You are absolutely 100% on the money. Although, I did make this guy wait a couple of months before sleeping with him, after that it was sex on demand (and plenty of it) going forwards. He is a bad boy, but he’s very respectful of others, and I don’t think he is just trying to sleep with me when he tells me about his love of music, or how he would like a better relationship with God.

You’re right. I am a very girly woman. I hate the corporate world, but what can I do? My peers and I are doing each other no favors by judging each other’s choices. We are turning ourselves into masculine women, not able to let men love us properly. We never stop to think that we should just wait patiently for him to call. No, we must take charge and pick up the phone because we “have no time for games”. Playing games is just silly, right? Wrong. I hear what you are saying. Even if I have to be a man at work, at home, I have to be a girl.

I think I won’t see him next week – give him (and me) some time to miss each other. I once had to wait 2 weeks for him to call me. That was HARD. I became very withdrawn. But yes, eventually, he did pick up the phone. I think it is time for another vacation.

Thanks!
Lightbaggage

Dear Lightbaggage,

I’m glad to see my advice hit a positive note.  I’m curious, what are your ages?  Not that it makes a huge difference, I’m just curious.  While I understand every person is different, it’s been my observation (and unfortunately, personal experience) that for men these days, the 30s are the new 20s, and guys don’t start acting like grown-ups until about age 38.  Difficult, I imagine, for the average woman who’s been grown up since about high school graduation (although the newest generation of women appears to be on its own delayed maturity track, given Gay Uncle’s recent observation last weekend of a gaggle of 20-somethings shamelessly vomiting in public in the East 20s and actually laughing about it … yeah, THAT’LL attract Prince Charming).

It sounds to me like your Bad Boy isn’t necessarily Bad News, but it does sound like he still might have some growing up to do.  At the very least, you two appear to be in different places; you’re ready to get serious about a relationship while he, like most single young New York men, is still on his Big New York Adventure, tasting all that life can offer (or as my parents’ generation would have put it, sowing his wild oats).  This doesn’t make him bad, this just means that TODAY, at this point in time, you’re not looking for the same things.  The question now is — are you willing to sit back and wait until he catches up with you?  My mother, while in her VERY early 20s, had been dating my father for nearly a year, but could not get him to commit.  He kept saying he wasn’t ready, they didn’t have enough money, he was just starting his career, he was busy, yadda yadda yadda.  My mother’s stroke of genius move?  Absolutely no pressure.  She simply said “Fine then.  When you’re ready to settle down, let me know, and IF I’m still available, you know what my answer will be.”  They were married later that year.  This September they will celebrate their 42nd anniversary.

Mom was (and still is) a very “girly-girl”, but she was no June Cleaver, always deferring to Dad.  Think of Carol Brady, without the benefit of Alice the maid, who by the time the ’80s rolled around, had become Maribeth Lacey (although without the gun and shield):  no nonsense, no bullshit, on an equal footing in the marriage with Dad, but still letting him be The Man.

The masculinization of women over the past 30 years has, to say the least, led to a generation of confused men.  They’re supposed to act like eunichs at work, never even noticing gender differences, and yet outside of work they’re expected to immediately shift gears and become Rhett Butler.  Given how much we work these days, and given the fact that for many Americans we end up meeting our future mates in professional settings, when exactly is he supposed to “switch gears” and act like a man towards you?  After 5:00 p.m.?  Once you leave the office?  Leave the building?  If a group of you are going out for drinks after work, do the sexual harassment rules still apply?  Does a group of co-workers meeting together outside of the office revert into a de facto “professional” social dynamic?  On the softball field on Saturday, playing for the company team, is he expected to still be an emasculated and woman-power affirmative Alan Alda, or can he allow himself to BE himself?  And ladies, if he does act like a MAN on the playing field on Saturday and he makes an unwelcome advance towards you out in left field, will you be a mature grown-up woman about it and gently but firmly resist and let it drop, or will you make a beeline for HR on Monday morning to passively-aggressively “teach” him a “lesson”?

Our “work hard/play hard” lifestyle, particularly in New York, makes it very difficult for meaningful relationships to grow organically.  Working 12 hours a day doesn’t leave a lot of time for romance and courtship, but guys still need to get laid.  So to that end, where’s the best place to meet women?  Bars and nightclubs, of course!  The unspoken social contract in this setting is that anything goes, no strings attached, and if something deeper develops that’s good, but there are no expectations.  Is it any wonder, therefore, that when you meet potential partners in this “play hard” setting, we end up getting a lot of sex, but end up feeling even lonelier and empty than before, since no one seems to be interested in us as PEOPLE, outside of our bodies?  (And yes, I’m speaking about ALL of us, gay men ESPECIALLY.)

In previous eras, there was a very clear separation between work and social life.  You met potential mates in your social environment, for which in our pre-work obsessed days, all of us had more time.  And by social environment, I mean you met mates in your neighborhood.  In your church.  Through friends and relatives.  Through your fraternal organizations.  Through the charities for which you volunteered.  Through the social groups you joined.  There was a built-in incentive for men to behave themselves and treat women like ladies, because they weren’t seen as a random piece of meat at a random club on a random Saturday night in a city of nearly nine million people, who you most likely would never see again.  She was a member of your church.  She lived down the street.  She was your buddy’s sister.  She was your lodge master’s daughter.  For better or for worse, she was in some form a fixture in your universe, regardless of how distant, and mistreating her would result in shockwaves disturbing your constellation.

So what’s the answer?  I wish I knew.  Although Mom’s time-honored advice still seems to apply:  ”You’ll never meet your future husband in a BAR.”

Perhaps what we as a society need to do is engage in some modern “separation therapy” from our work to get us back to a lifestyle that doesn’t require “hard play”; a lifestyle that allows us to meet potential mates in relaxed and truly social settings, so we can feel free to be ourselves — and to discover the “selves” of others — without time pressures or the worry of being disciplined the next day by HR for acting “out of bounds” with a colleague.

In the meantime, Lightbaggage, I think a little bit of distance couldn’t hurt.  If there’s something there, it’ll still be there (trust me).  In the meantime, take this time away from him to focus a bit on YOU.  Meet up with old girlfriends you haven’t had time for lately.  Maybe reconnect with family members.  Explore the city.  Try something new.  And above all remember that you’re not looking for someone to “complete” you — you are already “complete”.  What you’re looking for is someone to COMPLEMENT you.

Good luck!

– Gay Uncle

I remember you posting somewhere on UB the following:

“Women and men are wired completely different for sexuality. Women have all of their wires going through their emotions. Men do not.”

I think you were saying this to explain why there is “no such thing as a bi-sexual male”

Mine is not a gay issue, but, I think your statement may apply to my situation. I have been seeing this guy for 4 months. It is a very warm relationship, but as usual, I feel the guy is just in it for the sex. I’ve been careful not to be clingy, and therefore I am disappointed that he can remain so distant. I am starting to believe the problem is not me, but that men, in general, just don’t fall deeper in love as the sex intensifies – the way women do.

If your statement about wiring has anything to do with my situation, let me know. I can’t be in a relationship where I constantly have to play it cool. I would like to be able to relax and open up to someone, without the fear of rejection.

Sigh,
Lightbaggage

Dear Lightbaggage,

Thank you for your question.  I can empathize with your frustration, as Gay Uncle has been there too (even though we’re playing on different teams, we’re still both dating MEN).

In today’s modern dating world, the traditional male and female roles seem to have been tossed out the window.  Many men are finding themselves at odds with the so-called “new masculinity” in this post-feminist world; they’re trying to juggle the ancient human male instinct (or “wiring”) of taking on the dominant role of “provider” with the modern gender role lessons about equality of the sexes instilled in them by their ERA-era mothers, teachers, and other female role models.  And the women they’re dating have been similarly indoctrinated, almost to the point where society has built up such high expectations of them that to not live up to their full “potential”, they are selling out as women.  The women’s rights movement was supposed to be about giving women choices, but unfortunately the subliminal message to girls born after 1970 has been that certain choices are “right” (higher education, pursuit of a career), while other choices are “wrong” (housewife, homemaker, or today’s popular acronym, SAHM [Stay-At-Home-Mom]).

So what we have in today’s modern dating world are men trying very hard to get laid (and find a relationship along the way) with an entirely new breed of woman:  women who are trying to erase the gender barrier by assuming the gender roles that are already hard-wired into men (as being the dominant “provider”).  Women today make it very clear to men that they don’t want to be “provided” for, and that they wish to stand on equal footing.  While this is all well and good, it leaves the men walking a perpetual fine line of stop/go, touch/don’t touch, hold the door/don’t hold the door, etc.  Many straight men have confided in me that in fact, in this brave new world of gender equality, it feels like they’re dating other MEN.

Add to the mix those men who are only in it for the sex, and you can see why so many women these days are wondering why they can’t seem to forge a deep and meaningful relationship with men.  Several things are going on here:

– “Nice guys” are even more reluctant to push the envelope in a relationship, for fear of offending the woman’s feminist sensibilites.

– “Bad boys” continue to be bad boys, and continue to have a considerable degree of success with women across the board, because political correctness aside, 30 years of social engineering cannot “rewire” the basic female instinct of attraction to a man who demonstrates physical strength and gender dominance.

– “Nice guys”, seeing the continued success of “bad boys”, are even more confused about how best to proceed with a woman, and tend to just give up out of frustration, maintaining emotional distance in a relationship that hopefully (for them, at least) by now has become sexual.

As far as your specific case, Lightbaggage, you are complaining about a man who remains emotionally distant within an apparently satisfying sexual relationship.  Let me ask you this:  Does he fall into the “nice guy” category, or the “bad boy” category?  You say “as usual, I fell the guy is in it just for the sex.”  Is this a pattern in your relationships?  Are you attracting the wrong kind of guy?

I’m going to quote an old axiom uttered by generations of mothers that, while sounding quite sexist, still rings true today:  ”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”  Now, I’m not calling you a cow, or alleging that you’re a ho because you’re giving away your milk for free.  But do remember, Lightbaggage, that the male mind is extremely practical and logical; if he knows he can get sex from you, why bother moving the relationship to a deeper level?  This gets us back to my earlier question:  Are you attracting the wrong kind of guy?  Are you attracting men who are only looking for free milk, and nothing more?  Another truth hiding within this axiom is that on a subliminal level, men prefer the “chase”.  Once they’ve caught who or what they’re chasing — unless the object of the chase keeps his interest — they tend to lose interest and move onto the next conquest.

Of course, by now I’m sure you’re thinking “Don’t men have ANY feeling whatsoever?  Is it all about just getting laid??”  The answer, of course, is YES, men do have feelings, and they DO fall in love.  And they DO want to get laid — always.  But how does one navigate the tricky terrain of the modern male psyche?  This is going to sound very Charlotte, but it’s true:  don’t have sex too soon into the relationship.  You need to lay the emotional groundwork with a guy before he gets you into bed, otherwise you’re just another notch on the bedpost, and you’re playing a futile game of emotional catch-up; trying to lay the emotional groundwork after sex is like trying to stuff toothpaste back into the tube.  I’m not saying it can’t be done, but it is pretty difficult.  Turns out Mom was right all along in warning that guys rarely want to marry the “easy” girls.  And while women have been proudly claiming their sexual independence a la Sex and the City, Gay Uncle would like to gently remind you that having sex “like a man” tends to attract men who only want to have sex, and actually tends to frighten off those men who are really looking for something deeper.

In your case, however, the horse is already out of the barn.  So my advice is this:  try to be a little clingy.  Just a touch, mind you, lest you frighten him off.  If he has any feelings of love for you, as a man he needs to see that you “need” him, even if only on a superficial level.  But — and this might sound contradictory — try not to make yourself too “available” to him sexually.  I realize this is a fine line to walk, but it’s important to send him the message that you are developing deep feelings for him, with the gentle subtext that while you’ve introduced sex into the relationship, you won’t be taken for granted (sex on demand).

I hope this helps.  Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

– Gay Uncle

You can write to Gay Uncle by leaving a comment below, or directly at DRigg81@gmail.com

I remember seeing you post in the past about how you “knew” you were gay at a very young age.  How exactly did you know this?  How could a young boy know anything about sex, let alone know that he’s gay?  And how can I tell if my DS is gay?

– Downtown Mom

Dear Downtown Mom,

There are different levels of “knowing.”  Yes, I can honestly say I knew I was *different* from the other boys when I was in kindergarten, but of course I didn’t know precisely that it was homosexuality.  I did know, however, that I felt closer friendships with girls than with the other boys, and that I generally preferred doing “girl” things like playing house and doing arts and crafts, rather than running around yelling and screaming with the other boys. Perhaps, however, that was just my introverted personality; I was a quiet, sensitive boy who preferred to sit quietly listening to my records and building things with my Legos, rather than being noisy and rambunctious with the other boys who were happy doing anything that involved a ball.  Since it was the girls who generally preferred doing what I was doing, I naturally developed more of an affinity with them than with the boys.

Can a boy of five years old have any awareness of sexuality?  I did.  I was already masturbating at that age.  Even without the obvious end product of the mature male orgasm, I was still able to achieve a “dry” orgasm at that age. And without even realizing what was going on, I found that I liked to think of men (not other boys my age, interestingly enough — always it was grown men) while I was pleasuring myself.

By elementary school — fourth grade was my pivotal year — I had definitely developed crushes on my male teachers.  Keep in mind, however, that I still didn’t fully acknowledge the fact that I was “gay”; at this age, the boys in my class were using the word as a slur against other boys (myself included), and while I knew what it meant, I honestly didn’t think that I could possibly be what that horrible word meant.  Keep in mind the year was 1979, Gay Uncle was living in Midwestern Suburbia, and the only “media” a 10-year-old like myself had access to see the world outside of his own limited universe was the local newspaper, books in the school library, the magazines his parents subscribed to (Popular Mechanics and Good Housekeeping) and whatever programming CBS, ABC, NBC, or PBS chose to air on our non-cable television set.  There was no discussion or explanation of homosexuality either in my immediate world or in these limited (and highly censored) venues that allowed a glimpse of the larger universe.

Also, in 1979, there were absolutely no “positive” gay images in the mainstream media.  Our frank discussion of gays in the military wouldn’t broach the airwaves for another 13 years.  AIDS hadn’t yet happened (or at least, hadn’t been brought to light).  The creators of “Will and Grace” hadn’t yet reached puberty, and the television executives who would make it happen were still in college.  ”Gay Pride” was still something to be ashamed of, didn’t happen outside of New York and San Francisco, and certainly wasn’t covered by the mainstream media.  At the age of ten, Gay Uncle had no reference to help him figure out how he fit into society.  But what he DID know was the subtle and subliminal message he was getting from society — from his parents, from his parents’ friends, from teachers, from his church, from all the grownups who mattered — in the form of hushed whispers, derogatory remarks (“Don’t be such a sisssy!”  ”Be a real man!”), knowing winks, and eyerolls:  Whatever “gay” is, gay is BAD. So what did he do?  He buried his his feelings deep inside the closet he didn’t even realize he’d quietly built for himself, and tried his best to “fit in”.  In the process, as countless other gay boys before him, he became quite adept as an actor, playing the role of Good Straight Boy.

Unfortunately, repressing such strong feelings and denying one’s self the very core of his being results in unbelievable levels of stress that manifested itself in most unpleasant ways, including spontaneous bloody noses, hives, and debilitating migraine headaches that stretched roughly from fourth grade into high school.  By high school, however, Gay Uncle had managed to fully convince himself — consciously — that he was a straight boy just like all the other boys, and that while he felt an attraction to other men, this was just a “confused” notion of his, that what he really desired was to be LIKE those men, not to actually desire those men, and that he was simply a late bloomer and that this sexual attraction to women would “kick in” any day now.

It wasn’t until Gay Uncle’s junior year of college that he finally “came out” to himself as a gay man, and after literally decades of denial and self-inflicted physical and psychological pain, managed to accept himself for how God made him.

But back to your second — and possibly, to you, the more important question — how can you tell if your little boy is gay?  The short answer is, you can’t.  No one can know what’s inside another person’s head.  But mothers seem to have a special, extrasensory connection to their children, and most mothers of gays and lesbians admit that they “knew” all along about their children.  Could this be you, Downtown Mom?

The world is very different for today’s kindergartner than it was for Gay Uncle back in 1974.  ”Gay” is not bad anymore (at least in most civilized circles).  In fact, “gay” is no longer ILLEGAL.  In 1974, a gay man or lesbian could legally be committed to a sanitarium by their own family just by proclaiming their homosexuality.  In 1974, gays could be arrested and charged with arcane “disorderly conduct” laws for simply gathering in a bar for drinks.  Those arrests would be published the next day in the local newspaper, which would result overnight in a man or woman losing their family, friends, employment, and even their HOMES.

Not only has the world changed, but kids are also exposed to so much more of this new world than Gay Uncle ever was exposed to HIS world of 1974, even simply by virtue of cable television.  School-aged kids have grown up in a world of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, “Will and Grace” reruns, Gay Pride media coverage, even positive gay characters in made-for-TV movies on The Family Channel.

The good news, Downtown Mom, is that if your little boy is coming to terms with his own homosexuality, he’s doing so in a much more welcoming world than Gay Uncle ever had when he was a boy.  The time has never been better to be gay.  As far as how else you can “tell” whether he’s gay, I wouldn’t put too much stock in the usual stereotypes of “girl” and “boy” toys and activities.  Lots of gay boys like to play with dolls, but lots more like to play baseball. What a little boy likes to do or play with is more a function of his personality than his sexuality.

My advice, therefore, is to keep the lines of communication open, and always let your little boy know that you love him UNCONDITIONALLY, regardless of his interests or his friends. This will allow him to love himself, and feel no shame for whatever kind of person he is.

– Gay Uncle

If you have a question for Gay Uncle, feel free to leave a comment below or email Gay Uncle at DRigg81@gmail.com.

You’ve alluded many times on UrbanBaby that many of our DH’s [Dear Husbands] are closeted homosexuals.  First of all, where do you get off saying this, and secondly, if this is really true, how can we as wives really know the truth?

– UES [Upper East Side] Mom.

Dear UES,

Thank you very much for your question.  I can understand the undertone of hostility in your first question, but please understand it’s not me who made your DH gay; God did that.  It was your DH who chose to play-act his way through life as something he’s not (a happily married straight man).  Where do I “get off” alleging that many of your DHs are closet queens?  My own personal observations and experiences, of course!  If you ladies could only see what really goes on in the steam room and sauna at the NYSC (New York Sports Club).  Hell, the NYSC at Wall Street should just be renamed the New York SEX Club, for all the activity that goes on past the “Men’s” sign downstairs!  Any day and any time of the week you can find action, but the real free-for-all is on Friday afternoons; the guys don’t even bother with discretion or subtlety, as it’s often an all-out orgy.  And being the seasoned reporter that I am, watching and listening to these men carefully, these are not Chelsea boys coming downtown for some fun — these are all married, allegedly straight men getting off with each other, then — acting as if nothing had just happened — casually discussing work, wives, and children amongst themselves as they get dressed in the locker room.  Some guys even excitedly show around baby pictures, after having just shared gobs of their own baby batter with their buddies mere moments prior.

And it’s not just the Wall Street location.  I’ve been to NYSCs all over the city, and it happens at every last one of them (although particular hotbeds of activity, in addition to Wall Street, are Brooklyn Heights, Reade Street, SoHo, 49th & Broadway, 62nd & Broadway, 80th & Broadway, 86th & Lexington, and 36th & Madison).  You see, the gym is the perfect sexual outlet for the closeted gay man:  it affords the perfect degree of privacy (alone with another guy, at least briefly, in the steam room or sauna), you’re already naked, and no one would ever question any man being at the gym (it’s not like he’s being seen sneaking into a bathhouse or hotel).

Gay Uncle himself never ceases to be amazed at the degree of sexual sophistication these allegedly straight and naive men possess; I’ve been “out” and proud for more than 20 years, and have been around the block quite a few times in my time, but there are still times when even I learn something new from these guys.  Never underestimate the power of sexual frustration!

So where does that leave you, dear UES Mom, in terms of your second question:  ”How can we as wives really know the truth?”  The short answer is — sadly — you can’t.  Gay men (and make no mistake about it, if your DH is getting off with other men, he is  G A Y — don’t even start with me with this “bi” bullshit [I'll address the myth of male bisexuality at another time in the not-too-distant future]) are extremely clever and crafty, and exceedingly good at acting — we’ve been doing it all our lives, as a matter of fact, pretending to be straight (this is why so many professional actors are gay).  As the psychologists will tell you, when he subconsciously wants you to know the real truth, he’ll start getting sloppy about covering up his tracks:  he’ll fail to wipe clean the “history” on his computer from his late night visits to gayhardbodies.com … he’ll leave the condom wrapper in his pocket, or that furtively scribbled phone number from the hot guy he met at the bar while “working late” last Thursday … etc., etc., etc.

I can, however, share with you some general telltale signs that your DH might be gay (although these are not hard-and-fast rules):

– He’s impossibly gorgeous.  That old license plate joke, “2QT2BSTR8″ really is the truth; God made him so attractive that he’d turn the heads not just of women, but of other MEN, too.

– He’s a little TOO into his appearance.  Does he spend more time in front of the bathroom or bedroom mirror than you do?

– He uses more “products” on this skin and/or hair than you do.  ”Highlights” are a dead giveaway — straight men don’t do them, period.

– He’s too perfectly “manscaped”.  Straight men generally (again, GENERALLY) don’t shave South of the Border.  The main reason for keeping things nice and smooth down there (aside from appearance), is the heightened sensitivity the smooth skin affords when facial hair (or even just a bit of 5 o’clock shadow) tickles down there.  Oooh la la!!!!

– His nails — particularly his toenails — are too perfectly groomed.  The real clincher is if he has them professionally manicured.  Double if he buffs them.  And clear nail polish?  At that point he’s probably already slipping into your nylons and Manolos when you’re not around.

– His eyebrows are perfectly shaped.

– He uses lip balm outside of the winter months.  (Double that if he uses the kind of lip balm that’s not in stick form, and requires him to lightly dab with his fingertips!)

– He carries a man-purse (or “murse” as we call them).  Jack Spade in particular.

– He suggests, during your most intimate fantasy-sharing moments, how hot it would be to watch you getting it on with another guy.  No truly straight man ever wants to see this in his head, let alone in person.  This is the closeted gay man’s way of opening the door to a three-way with another guy, and ultimately bold-faced sex with another guy, right in front of his own wife.

– He has more than three devices manufactured by Apple Computer AND drives a Prius (either of these points on their own, however, do not necessarily suggest homosexuality).

Now, I know what you’re thinking, ladies.  By and large I’ve described what’s now known as the “metrosexual” — that supposedly straight man who’s comfortable enough with his sexuality to adopt the trappings and behaviors of gay men.  Unfortunately, I’m here to tell you that like unicorns and bisexuals, there’s no such thing as the “metrosexual”; a “metrosexual” is merely a closeted gay man who’s not only cracked open the closet door, but who’s testing the waters by stepping out a (manicured) toe.

Of course, as I mentioned earlier, these are not hard-and-fast indicators of homosexuality.  Even Gay Uncle himself has been fooled by outwardly incredibly butch straight men who possess NONE of these characteristics (most often of the blue-collar persuasion), but behind closed doors turn into total Helium Heels (you don’t need me to paint you a picture here, do you?).

I realize it’s not really a comfort, UES Mom, but if your DH truly is gay, there’s nothing you can do about it.  Just love him for who he is, try to forgive him for deceiving you (and try to understand what motivated him to be deceptive in the first place), and understand that ultimately he really and truly does love you, otherwise he wouldn’t have married you in the first place and fathered your children.

Good luck.

– Gay Uncle

If you have a question for Gay Uncle, feel free to leave a comment below or email Gay Uncle at DRigg81@gmail.com.

As a public service for everyone who would like to keep their summer weekends intact, I would like to implore all of you mothers of toddlers to icksnay on the birthday parties for anyone but immediate family.  Seriously.  We love you and we love your little rug rat, but we love our summer weekends even more.  An invitation to the birthday party of a kid who doesn’t even know his own poo-hole yet on a Saturday in the summer (ALWAYS on a Saturday!), timed for maximum damage (1:00 p.m., so most of the morning is shot, as well as the afternoon, so plan on accomplishing NOTHING on this “free” day), and of course nixing any chance of leaving town for the weekend.  Oh yes, and of course the mandatory gift for a kid who probably has too much crap anyway.

Please don’t put your friends in the position of having to say “no” to your little one’s party.  Parties for kids younger than kindergarten are excessive and pointless to begin with.

Many thanks!

Gay Uncle