Dear Gay Uncle,
You are absolutely 100% on the money. Although, I did make this guy wait a couple of months before sleeping with him, after that it was sex on demand (and plenty of it) going forwards. He is a bad boy, but he’s very respectful of others, and I don’t think he is just trying to sleep with me when he tells me about his love of music, or how he would like a better relationship with God.
You’re right. I am a very girly woman. I hate the corporate world, but what can I do? My peers and I are doing each other no favors by judging each other’s choices. We are turning ourselves into masculine women, not able to let men love us properly. We never stop to think that we should just wait patiently for him to call. No, we must take charge and pick up the phone because we “have no time for games”. Playing games is just silly, right? Wrong. I hear what you are saying. Even if I have to be a man at work, at home, I have to be a girl.
I think I won’t see him next week – give him (and me) some time to miss each other. I once had to wait 2 weeks for him to call me. That was HARD. I became very withdrawn. But yes, eventually, he did pick up the phone. I think it is time for another vacation.
Thanks!
Lightbaggage
Dear Lightbaggage,
I’m glad to see my advice hit a positive note. I’m curious, what are your ages? Not that it makes a huge difference, I’m just curious. While I understand every person is different, it’s been my observation (and unfortunately, personal experience) that for men these days, the 30s are the new 20s, and guys don’t start acting like grown-ups until about age 38. Difficult, I imagine, for the average woman who’s been grown up since about high school graduation (although the newest generation of women appears to be on its own delayed maturity track, given Gay Uncle’s recent observation last weekend of a gaggle of 20-somethings shamelessly vomiting in public in the East 20s and actually laughing about it … yeah, THAT’LL attract Prince Charming).
It sounds to me like your Bad Boy isn’t necessarily Bad News, but it does sound like he still might have some growing up to do. At the very least, you two appear to be in different places; you’re ready to get serious about a relationship while he, like most single young New York men, is still on his Big New York Adventure, tasting all that life can offer (or as my parents’ generation would have put it, sowing his wild oats). This doesn’t make him bad, this just means that TODAY, at this point in time, you’re not looking for the same things. The question now is — are you willing to sit back and wait until he catches up with you? My mother, while in her VERY early 20s, had been dating my father for nearly a year, but could not get him to commit. He kept saying he wasn’t ready, they didn’t have enough money, he was just starting his career, he was busy, yadda yadda yadda. My mother’s stroke of genius move? Absolutely no pressure. She simply said “Fine then. When you’re ready to settle down, let me know, and IF I’m still available, you know what my answer will be.” They were married later that year. This September they will celebrate their 42nd anniversary.
Mom was (and still is) a very “girly-girl”, but she was no June Cleaver, always deferring to Dad. Think of Carol Brady, without the benefit of Alice the maid, who by the time the ’80s rolled around, had become Maribeth Lacey (although without the gun and shield): no nonsense, no bullshit, on an equal footing in the marriage with Dad, but still letting him be The Man.
The masculinization of women over the past 30 years has, to say the least, led to a generation of confused men. They’re supposed to act like eunichs at work, never even noticing gender differences, and yet outside of work they’re expected to immediately shift gears and become Rhett Butler. Given how much we work these days, and given the fact that for many Americans we end up meeting our future mates in professional settings, when exactly is he supposed to “switch gears” and act like a man towards you? After 5:00 p.m.? Once you leave the office? Leave the building? If a group of you are going out for drinks after work, do the sexual harassment rules still apply? Does a group of co-workers meeting together outside of the office revert into a de facto “professional” social dynamic? On the softball field on Saturday, playing for the company team, is he expected to still be an emasculated and woman-power affirmative Alan Alda, or can he allow himself to BE himself? And ladies, if he does act like a MAN on the playing field on Saturday and he makes an unwelcome advance towards you out in left field, will you be a mature grown-up woman about it and gently but firmly resist and let it drop, or will you make a beeline for HR on Monday morning to passively-aggressively “teach” him a “lesson”?
Our “work hard/play hard” lifestyle, particularly in New York, makes it very difficult for meaningful relationships to grow organically. Working 12 hours a day doesn’t leave a lot of time for romance and courtship, but guys still need to get laid. So to that end, where’s the best place to meet women? Bars and nightclubs, of course! The unspoken social contract in this setting is that anything goes, no strings attached, and if something deeper develops that’s good, but there are no expectations. Is it any wonder, therefore, that when you meet potential partners in this “play hard” setting, we end up getting a lot of sex, but end up feeling even lonelier and empty than before, since no one seems to be interested in us as PEOPLE, outside of our bodies? (And yes, I’m speaking about ALL of us, gay men ESPECIALLY.)
In previous eras, there was a very clear separation between work and social life. You met potential mates in your social environment, for which in our pre-work obsessed days, all of us had more time. And by social environment, I mean you met mates in your neighborhood. In your church. Through friends and relatives. Through your fraternal organizations. Through the charities for which you volunteered. Through the social groups you joined. There was a built-in incentive for men to behave themselves and treat women like ladies, because they weren’t seen as a random piece of meat at a random club on a random Saturday night in a city of nearly nine million people, who you most likely would never see again. She was a member of your church. She lived down the street. She was your buddy’s sister. She was your lodge master’s daughter. For better or for worse, she was in some form a fixture in your universe, regardless of how distant, and mistreating her would result in shockwaves disturbing your constellation.
So what’s the answer? I wish I knew. Although Mom’s time-honored advice still seems to apply: ”You’ll never meet your future husband in a BAR.”
Perhaps what we as a society need to do is engage in some modern “separation therapy” from our work to get us back to a lifestyle that doesn’t require “hard play”; a lifestyle that allows us to meet potential mates in relaxed and truly social settings, so we can feel free to be ourselves — and to discover the “selves” of others — without time pressures or the worry of being disciplined the next day by HR for acting “out of bounds” with a colleague.
In the meantime, Lightbaggage, I think a little bit of distance couldn’t hurt. If there’s something there, it’ll still be there (trust me). In the meantime, take this time away from him to focus a bit on YOU. Meet up with old girlfriends you haven’t had time for lately. Maybe reconnect with family members. Explore the city. Try something new. And above all remember that you’re not looking for someone to “complete” you — you are already “complete”. What you’re looking for is someone to COMPLEMENT you.
Good luck!
– Gay Uncle
Tags: Carol Brady, dating, gay, June Cleaver, relationships, straight, women's rights, work balance
